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| Post: DoctorSteve |
| ID: 1 - 7/16/2006 12:10 PM |
IRISH BOY IN CONFESSION
?
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that.?But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads !"
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 2 - 10/19/2007 7:59 AM |
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 3 - 10/19/2007 7:59 AM |
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 4 - 10/19/2007 7:59 AM |
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 5 - 10/19/2007 8:57 AM |
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in,embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well,that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be
disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look.'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in.'
Mrs. S |
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 6 - 10/19/2007 8:59 AM |
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually
chewed on your, uh ...equipment? '
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted..... ....
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 7 - 10/19/2007 9:03 AM |
THE VOODOO PENIS
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he
Thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a
sex shop & explained his situation.
The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will
keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!"
The husband said "The what"?
The man repeated " The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"
The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started
pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so
much that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped &
returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband
had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She
undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch". The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind
shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had
enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had
neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got
in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over the
road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink
officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and
it won't stop screwing me..."
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
"Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"
The rest, as they say, is history...
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 8 - 10/19/2007 9:07 AM |
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 9 - 10/19/2007 9:10 AM |
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he
could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof--and the horn--screaming in
frustration as she missed her chance to get through the
intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her
window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took
her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed,
photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened
the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind
your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in
front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life'
license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the
'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker
and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 10 - 10/19/2007 9:14 AM |
Okay buddy, I went through my old emails and took the funniest and most tasteless jokes and put them here for your enjoyment.
Hope none of it was too shocking for your sensibilities!
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| Post: PerrynPanguitch |
| ID: 13 - 10/10/2008 9:08 AM |
Two Mexicans are on a bike along Interstate 25 about 15 miles north of Cheyenne, WY. One of the bike's tires goes flat and so they start hitch-hiking back to Cheyenne.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. The trucker tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.
The Mexicans ask the driver that if they can find a way to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them into Cheyenne, and the trucker agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and the bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is running late so he speeds up a bit.
Sure enough a good looking blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.
She approaches the truck and asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly
replies 'Mexican eggs.
The blonde cop obviously doesn't believe this
so she wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it, and locks
it.
She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many law enforcement officers as possible plus the Swat Team.
The dispatcher asks the blonde cop, what's the emergency that requires so many officers?
She replied, 'I've got an 18 wheeler stopped on I-25 about 10 miles North of Cheyenne and it is loaded down with 20,000 Mexican eggs ... two have just hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.'
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 14 - 10/16/2008 5:38 PM |
The Pope is visiting DC, and Palin takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac . They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat blows off his head and out into the water.
Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Palin waves them off,
saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
Palin steps onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy
Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back. She hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning, the Washington Post, NY TImes, ABC News, CBS News, NBC News, and CNN carry a story, complete with photos of the event. The banner headline reads: "Palin Can't Swim!"
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 15 - 10/22/2008 7:26 AM |
Here is one that honestly made me laugh today!
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| Post: Fabulousity |
| ID: 16 - 11/1/2008 1:52 PM |
Loved this one:
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| Post: Donnie |
| ID: 17 - 11/28/2008 9:48 AM |
A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant:
"Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."
"Yes, sir!" answered Garge.
The doctor went hunting and returned the following day and asked: "So, Garge, How was your day?"
Garge told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asked the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir."
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asked the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here when suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, and says:
"HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!"
"Tunderin' lard Jisas, Garge, what did you do?" asked the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 18 - 1/24/2009 11:05 AM |
I thought this one was a hoot and wanted to share it here:
QUOTE FROM THE MOM:
This is my kindergartner's artistic rendering of a pair of scissors. I wonder what his teacher thought. I allowed myself just a small smirk when I saw it. I waited until he was out of the room until I started crying from laughing so hard. Well, of course, they're scissors.
As a proud Mom, I will be required to proudly display this on my refrigerator for a length of time.
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 20 - 2/2/2009 4:33 PM |
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 21 - 2/2/2009 4:34 PM |
(everyone likes a man with a big cock)
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| Post: Matrix |
| ID: 22 - 2/22/2009 10:02 AM |
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| Post: Matrix |
| ID: 23 - 2/22/2009 10:03 AM |
A picture that says it all!
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| Post: PerrynPanguitch |
| ID: 24 - 3/2/2009 12:15 PM |
Antibody - against everyone
Artery - the study of fine paintings
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - letters like a,e,i,o,u
Cat Scan - searching for lost kitty
Chronic - neck of a crow
Coma - punctuation mark
Cortisone - area around local court
Cyst - short for sister
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| Post: PerrynPanguitch |
| ID: 25 - 3/2/2009 12:16 PM |
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose
Dislocation - in this place
Enema - not a friend
False Labor - pretending to work
Genes - blue denim
Groin - to mash to a pulp / smile
Hernia - she is close by
Hymen - greeting to several males
Impotent - distinguished / well-known
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| Post: PerrynPanguitch |
| ID: 26 - 3/2/2009 12:16 PM |
Labor Pain - hurt at work
Lactose - people without toes
Lymph - walk unsteadily
Menopause - I no wait
Microbes - small dressing gowns
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel Peace Prize
Pus - small cat
Red Blood Count - Dracula
Rupture - Ecstasy
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| Post: PerrynPanguitch |
| ID: 27 - 3/2/2009 12:16 PM |
Secretion - hiding anything
Subcutaneous - not cute enough
Suture - Gujrati for "what do you want"
Tablet - small table
Tumor - extra pair
Ultrasound - radical noise
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - very close
Vas Deferens - extremely different
Vein - at what time?
Vitreous Humor - both witty & funny
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 28 - 3/3/2009 7:05 AM |
ALMOST MARRIED
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy, speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I ... was ... almost ... married !"
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter anymore!"
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 29 - 3/3/2009 7:05 AM |
The answer comes, " Yes... I .. went ..to ..a ..doctor ... and.. he ... told me .. that .. if I .. speak ... slowly, I will .. not ..stutter."
The first friend congratulates him and then asks again about how he was almost married.
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 30 - 3/3/2009 7:05 AM |
" Well, ... my ... fiance and ... I ... were ... sitting on ...her ...porch and ....the ...dog was ... scratching ...his back, ..and ...I ....told ..her ..that ...when we ...were .... married, ... she ... could do that .. for ... me .. and then .... she .... threw the ... ring ... in my ... face ...and ... left.
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
"Well, ... I .... speak ...so ... slowly, ... that ... by ..the time ... she ... looked at ... the dog .... he .... was ... licking his ..nuts."
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 31 - 3/4/2009 5:28 PM |
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| Post: BrucenBryce |
| ID: 33 - 4/9/2009 7:32 AM |
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
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| Post: FrankFarley |
| ID: 34 - 4/13/2009 2:37 PM |
Got a couple to share here:
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| Post: FrankFarley |
| ID: 35 - 4/13/2009 2:37 PM |
(click on the picture to see the humor)
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| Post: FrankFarley |
| ID: 36 - 4/13/2009 2:38 PM |
Sometimes, life just happens! Love this one....
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| Post: BrucenBryce |
| ID: 37 - 4/28/2009 2:59 PM |
FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in Canada. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
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| Post: Collin |
| ID: 38 - 5/5/2009 6:44 AM |
Yet another thing to worry about.
This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!
Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window!
Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on.
This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9.
I'll definitely think twice before flying USAir.
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| Post: Collin |
| ID: 39 - 5/5/2009 6:45 AM |
Why Women should check the mirror before they leave to go shopping:
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 40 - 5/17/2009 5:25 PM |
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 41 - 5/21/2009 10:30 PM |
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and al the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mother.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all
the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
''Yes, it's because you're blonde ."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!' And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs."
'Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
''No Honey, it's because you're 24."
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| Post: Matrix |
| ID: 42 - 5/24/2009 5:07 PM |
THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker
And would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
The best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says..
'Grandpa;....... Go home!
You're drunk !
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| Post: AuntIna |
| ID: 43 - 5/24/2009 5:13 PM |
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say,
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.
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| Post: AuntIna |
| ID: 44 - 5/24/2009 5:14 PM |
I have two male talking parrots,
Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
That phrase . . In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
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| Post: AuntIna |
| ID: 45 - 5/24/2009 5:16 PM |
Shocked,
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
And exclaimed,
'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'
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| Post: Fabulousity |
| ID: 46 - 5/27/2009 7:29 PM |
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley ..'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
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| Post: youdoyoudont |
| ID: 48 - 6/1/2009 6:10 AM |
A Cowboy named Bud
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| Post: youdoyoudont |
| ID: 49 - 6/1/2009 6:10 AM |
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him
out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me
a calf?"
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| Post: youdoyoudont |
| ID: 50 - 6/1/2009 6:10 AM |
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
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| Post: youdoyoudont |
| ID: 51 - 6/1/2009 6:11 AM |
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You
have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"
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| Post: youdoyoudont |
| ID: 52 - 6/1/2009 6:11 AM |
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you
don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep....now give me back my
dog!"
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 53 - 6/10/2009 6:35 AM |
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| Post: Matrix |
| ID: 54 - 6/24/2009 10:37 PM |
Rose and Barb
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
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| Post: Matrix |
| ID: 55 - 6/24/2009 10:37 PM |
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 56 - 7/5/2009 3:40 PM |
$7 SEX
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 57 - 7/5/2009 3:40 PM |
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 58 - 7/5/2009 3:41 PM |
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married so we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back fromMedicare.
SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT.....
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| Post: BrucenBryce |
| ID: 59 - 7/5/2009 8:22 PM |
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything... Tutors,
mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took
Zachary down and enrolled him
in the local Catholic school. After the first
Day, little Zachary came home with a very
serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
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| Post: BrucenBryce |
| ID: 60 - 7/5/2009 8:23 PM |
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and, in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
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| Post: BrucenBryce |
| ID: 61 - 7/5/2009 8:23 PM |
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no Longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and Shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the Uniforms?
WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on The first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
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| Post: BrucenBryce |
| ID: 62 - 7/5/2009 8:28 PM |
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
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| Post: BrucenBryce |
| ID: 63 - 7/5/2009 8:29 PM |
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
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| Post: BrucenBryce |
| ID: 64 - 7/8/2009 2:58 PM |
The love story of Ralph and Edna...
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
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| Post: PerrynPanguitch |
| ID: 65 - 7/16/2009 7:26 AM |
A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 66 - 8/1/2009 10:23 AM |
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond..
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast.
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 67 - 8/19/2009 9:29 AM |
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot blonde girl in his office.....
But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,
'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
'The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Eddie said,
'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,
You bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend and...
So she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says,
'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call..
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
'The bastard had ALL quarters!'
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting
screwed.
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 68 - 8/27/2009 7:42 AM |
Finally, someone has explained this.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C., has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he's won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in America. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical support.
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 69 - 8/28/2009 7:33 AM |
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
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| Post: PerrynPanguitch |
| ID: 70 - 8/31/2009 9:16 AM |
Why Men do not Write Advice Columns.
"ASK MIKE"
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| Post: PerrynPanguitch |
| ID: 71 - 8/31/2009 9:17 AM |
Dear Mike,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore..
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
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| Post: PerrynPanguitch |
| ID: 72 - 8/31/2009 9:17 AM |
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
Mike
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 73 - 9/10/2009 9:35 PM |
Two Sisters one blonde and one brunette inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly. 'com-for-da-bul.'
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| Post: Roger |
| ID: 74 - 9/12/2009 9:56 AM |
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know
what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'..
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'...
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom....................
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 75 - 9/20/2009 11:41 AM |
My partner, was always after me to go shopping. Then I began wearing my favorite shirt.
She doesn't want me to go shopping with her any more.
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| Post: PerrynPanguitch |
| ID: 76 - 9/29/2009 7:22 AM |
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
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| Post: AuntIna |
| ID: 77 - 9/29/2009 7:25 AM |
TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride approached
her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they
made love, for more than 30 years,
with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes
and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was
unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'been
earning,and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than thirty years of steady deposits
and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank
which were worth over $2 million,
and informe d him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades
she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had
multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million,her husband was so astounded he could barely speak,
but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut!
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| Post: AuntIna |
| ID: 78 - 10/16/2009 9:44 AM |
How I learned to mind my own business.....
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13….'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....
Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then the voices began to chant...
14.....14....14...
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| Post: PerrynPanguitch |
| ID: 79 - 12/3/2009 9:14 PM |
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTING A FAX!!"
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 80 - 5/11/2010 5:42 AM |
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 81 - 6/15/2010 7:35 AM |
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 82 - 6/15/2010 7:35 AM |
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume
of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 83 - 6/15/2010 7:36 AM |
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being
which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 84 - 6/17/2010 7:20 AM |
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
'Father ..... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays.'
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if
you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?''
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 85 - 6/17/2010 5:06 PM |
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 86 - 6/17/2010 5:07 PM |
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly...
The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed..
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 87 - 6/17/2010 5:08 PM |
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 88 - 6/17/2010 5:09 PM |
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.....
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 89 - 6/17/2010 5:11 PM |
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
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| Post: Martin |
| ID: 90 - 6/17/2010 5:12 PM |
"Shit, I missed."
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 91 - 7/2/2010 6:35 AM |
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 92 - 7/2/2010 6:35 AM |
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up withGeorge Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 93 - 7/2/2010 6:37 AM |
"Yes," cried the seamstress.The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 94 - 7/23/2010 6:51 AM |
Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has." Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 95 - 7/23/2010 6:52 AM |
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 96 - 7/23/2010 6:52 AM |
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 97 - 8/12/2010 5:44 AM |
The Wedding Ring
A man who was born and bred in Woodbridge , Western Australia went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.
She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you are married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call. You decide
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| Post: Qdaddy |
| ID: 98 - 8/27/2010 6:49 AM |
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ?Business trip or pleasure??
She turned, smiled and said, ?Business. I?m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ?
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ?What?s your business role at this convention??
?Lecturer,? she responded. ?I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.?
?Really?? he said. ?And what kind of myths are there??
?Well,? she explained, ?one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.?
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. ?I?m sorry,? she said, ?I shouldn?t really be discussing all of this with you. I don?t even know your name.?
?Tonto,? the man said, ?Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba
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